Emotional sink holes

December 3, 2009 § 1 Comment

Do you ever feel like you’ve fallen into an emotional hole, one that pulls you in the second you touch that uneven ground it hides under?

I’ve fallen into one of my recurring sink holes and I can’t seem to make it let go of me. From time to time, I fall into these emotional sink holes of mine and they always take me back to a time when I was a kid and I was told, by an authority figure, to keep quiet and not question them. From then on, whenever I get into one of these kind of situations, I can’t say a word. I’m stuck in stun mode and can’t defend myself- much less tell the person that they’ve gone too far and they need to back off.

As time goes on, I continue to meet people that unknowingly “help” me remember that instance I remember so vividly from childhood. It’s always the same disgusting feeling and I always feel like I’m being treated like a child. I still haven’t broken this cycle and still feel like a victim when the day is done.

I know the people that fill this role don’t know what they’re doing. After all, I come off as a confident, sometimes mouthy extrovert that seems to hold her own. In fact, when I feel threatened (by one of my sink holes) I feel like a kitten that has been left to die on the side of the road. Dramatic? Maybe in your eyes but not in the reality of the moment for me.

What brought this all on? My landlady making asking me if I picked up while the kids were napping.

Sounds innocuous but in the moment with the tone of voice and the other comments she made I can’t help but land in the same place I always land. My emotional sink hole.

You know what bugs me more than her comment? The fact that I didn’t defend myself. Does she not remember what it’s like to have two little kids who need all your energy and emotional stability? Not to mention the fact that I didn’t have anyone to back me up, either.

In my sink hole history, I haven’t yet had anyone back me up in the moment. That speaks to the intensity of the moment and the discomfort others have felt standing (or sitting) next to me when I get emotionally attacked.

I feel lousy right now but will slowly crawl out of my hole and be back to normal. I can guess that by the next time I post an entry, I’ll be feeling better.

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