Is this a life on hold or am I holding on to life?

June 28, 2009 § 1 Comment

Everything needed to stop.

“Stop talking!”, my toddler vented, “stop talking!”

“Don’t do that.”

“That’s not for you. That for papi!” (in reference to the computer)

“Come here. You need come here!”

Everything needed to stop. Laundry would sit. Food would get stuck. The mess would get messier. It all had to stop. I had to stop moving.

A cry for help? Is she insecure in my love for her?

I needed to stop. No sewing. No talking on the phone.

No judgment. No expectations. No useless praise. No corrections.

Play her games. Her way. Don’t make suggestions on how to make the game “better”. Just follow her lead.

Stop doing that. To myself.

How could I be so deaf? I have needs, too. Why can’t she see them? “She’ll never learn to _______ if I do things this way”, I hear some voice saying to me. “Tell her to be gentle.” “You need to punish her so she doesn’t think she can get away with that.” “She’s never gonna learn.” “She’s manipulating you.”

Believing those voices made me angry.

Believing those voices, I felt stupid and unable to be the mother I want to grow to be.

Believing those voices I can’t connect.

Believing those voices I feel estranged from her.

Now I’m the one telling those voices: Stop talking!

It’ll still take some time but I’m getting the hang of it.


§ One Response to Is this a life on hold or am I holding on to life?

  • Vikky says:

    What a wonderful insight.

    It’s exactly how I feel. It’s amazing the things that go through your head as a mother, and then you wonder if you’re doing the right thing.

    You’ve encapsulated it completely.

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