Seeing the light at the end of the tunnel

May 8, 2009 § 5 Comments

Last two days were the hardest I’ve had so far, with one child or two. I have to add that having one child (your first) is as hard as having two. So don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. I’m in such a daze I don’t know where to begin. Do I go step by step and tell you all the “things” that happened? Nah. It’s an in the moment sort of thing that happens. I wonder if any of it would translate and make sense in words. Plus, once written, it all sounds so trivial and I’d like to retain some level of dignity.

The obvious: I didn’t react the best way possible. I walked away and tried to ignore the annoying stuff bilingual baby kept doing.

What’s hidden: My fears that I was turning into the memory of a person, or rather a mishmash of persons, who weren’t there for me thru childhood.

The mainstream: I did turn out “just fine” and my kids will deal. They seem happy enough.

A sensitive approach: There are fears and times of growth when my kids need me more than ever.

In conclusion I want to dissolve my own fears about the person I’ve seen myself to be: insensitive and controlling. I want to build myself back up to the person I know I can be: sensitive and responsive.

I’m feeling very vulnerable and within that vulnerability I’ve found reasons to work even harder, regardless of how little sleep I’m getting. One realization I had yesterday that makes sense of all bilingual baby’s whining and turning on a dime, is that she’s been hungry a lot lately. I wonder if she’s going through a growth spurt. I also see that she’s been learning how to get her socks on as well as using the big toilet. Oh, and jumping. She’s learning how to jump. Pretty big deal around here. It would explain all the food preparation in lieu of a nap (which is why I’m so tired) and the roller coaster ride emotional spills. It took me two days to figure this out. Two days of “please, no” over and over again, and “that’s too much for mama”. I cried a lot out of desperation and feel emotionally drained. But, with my new found realizations I think I can maneuver myself into the weekend with a steeled resolve.

Here are some ideas I got from Sarah’s Waldorf Playroom

Six Things to Include in Your Child’s Day:

• meaningful work
• imaginative play
• good books
• beauty (art, music, nature)
• ideas to ponder and discuss
• prayer

The meaningful work is really a life saver. I truly believe that a lot of the “acting up” that kids do is because they want adults to do something interesting, as in laundry, dishes, gardening… you know. Real work, not just pretend play- which they obviously need to do, too. Once I get the reminder and am back to including bilingual baby into my chores she resets and we’re back to a smoother day.

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§ 5 Responses to Seeing the light at the end of the tunnel

  • Erin says:

    Thanks for posting this, Leila. Sometimes I’ve been hesitant to do work with Zachary because I felt like I should always be playing with him, but then he usually wants to be right in on the action with me in the kitchen or wherever rather than with his toys anyhow! It’s helping me find more balance.

    I hope you have a wonderful weekend (and mother’s day!)
    And for the record, you are one of the most sensitive and responsive people I know! 🙂

  • Isil says:

    Hugs..I am sure you are sensitive and responsive but sometimes we all have our moments when we get frustrated,don’t we?
    Happy mother’s day!

  • QueenHoneyB says:

    I hope you can get some good sleep soon. There have been times when I felt so exasperated with Svara’s actions, when I know on an average day those same actions would be no big deal. But a combination of little sleep and other things can really test our limits

  • megan says:

    As you’ve pointed out before…our children need to see all sides of us and we can’t be up all the time (dash it all as it would be nice).
    But as long as they see us get through and know that there is love before during and after then they will grow to be stronger people than us.
    Thank you for putting this out there so people can read and know…I’m sure I will remember your words in my months to come
    Lots of love
    m

  • Leila says:

    Thanks everyone! I really appreciate the support. I’m feeling better already. It really helped that I waited a bit. Time does help in seeing.

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