February 13, 2008 § 5 Comments
There’s no way to explain well enough without coming off like an ogre or an ungrateful mother that I’m having mixed feelings about breastfeeding. This is, of course, including my ups and downs that come with being pregnant. Oh. Joy. I’m going to be very honest here and I hope you can be forgiving if you judge me… Last night I wanted to be done with nursing bilingual baby.
As I wrote that last sentence, I didn’t feel like I meant it. Like it was some far off feeling, like the one that mothers who have grown children have when you ask them about how pregnancy was- it’s foggy. This is how I feel about the feelings, the fleeting desire to wean my toddler. I feel like I have to say I’m going to be honest so that I will be heard and you won’t jump on me and tell me I should… that it would be better for me and for her… that she doesn’t need the nutrition from the breastmilk… that she’s old enough (at the tender age of 14 months). Basically, I don’t want to hear any advice that leads to: I think you should wean her. I have my reasons and I’m not ready to share those with just anyone yet. Maybe when this pregnancy is all said and done and I’m nursing baby 2.0, but not yet.
The funny thing is that I want to continue to nurse bilingual baby. She gets so much out of our nursing relationship and I don’t want to end it. I also don’t feel all negative all the time. It comes when I’m tired and it comes when I’ve had a long day, which seems like way to often these days as the bear is pushing through her last molar (for now).
I also don’t want to hear about how beautiful breastfeeding is. It’s not that way all the time. You don’t spend all your time gazing down at your baby wondering what they’re thinking about. My toddler does gymnastics as she nurses. I’m basically a drive-by nursing station for her. She signs, I display the goods, she sips and jogs off. It’s cute and funny most of the time. Like I said, though, it’s when I’ve had a rough time during the day. I am pregnant after all.
I don’t feel so bad admitting to this now. I thought I’d be worried about what you might think of me. I don’t doubt some of you will suggest that I consider weaning. I will if this continues. For now, I need to give it time. In my experience, everything changes.