The May-June 2004 issue of Mothering magazine had an article titled, Children are our spiritual teachers, by Cheryl Dimof about how having children can be seen as a way to master the art of Zen. To see the article in its entirety click here. Dimof had been interested in Buddhist philosophy and wanted to get back into meditating with a Zen group after her children were born. She found a group but was conflicted as she didn’t see the connection between meditation and life as a parent. There was never time to meditate in her role as a mother- which I can understand. She was looking for a teacher and found, in the end, that her children were the best Zen masters. Her article reads:
In his book Wherever You Go There You Are, Jon Kabat-Zinn compares children to “live-in Zen masters,” and raising them to having an “18-year meditation retreat.” As Zen masters go, my older daughter isn’t bad. At five years, she has just the right mixture of fierceness and . . . well, we’re still working on the compassion, but I know it’s there. As I sat at the table one morning, eating breakfast and reading the newspaper, she exclaimed, “Mommy! When you eat, don’t read, just eat!”
Jessica also asks the most wonderful koans. (In Zen practice, a koan is a story or question that cannot be solved using the rational faculties and is designed to bring one closer to enlightenment.) One day, she was anxious to play with a friend who would be home in an hour. Every ten minutes or so, she asked me how much longer she had to wait. Finally, she asked me, “How do you know?” When I said, “Because I’m looking at the clock,” she asked, “How do you know you’re looking at the clock?” Question reality! Other favorites of Zen Master Jessica: “What was here before the universe?” “Mommy, why does my tongue have to live in my mouth?” and “How do you know you’re not dreaming right now?”
Dimof, like many of us do, tried to separate the spiritual from the nonspiritual. During one of her Zen sits, the chant, “Not knowing how close the truth is, we seek it far away – what a pity! We are like one who in the midst of water cries out desperately in thirst”, rang all too true. She found that being a mother would be her best way to practice the art of mindfulness. Though it’s hard to find the repetitive actions of a mother as meditative, with time and effort (I hope) it can be done.
In a world that wants to know results (from how quickly your child crawls, walks, cuts teeth, says their first word, learns to write their name, to how they test in school), being able to slow down and see things through a child’s eyes is something that can be judged as indulgent and naive. I’ve been told by a number of people that I am naive in some of my parenting ways. They say, “once you’ve been a parent longer, you’ll find out.” Or, “when you have your second you’ll see. You just won’t be able to do those things.” As per Dimof’s article, “Vietnamese Zen master Thich Nhat Hanh recommends posting a note to oneself saying, ‘Are you sure?,’ reminding us to check the reality of our perceptions.” I guess it’s another way of staying humble. As a mother, doubt is inherent and with it comes the “gift” of this question. Sometimes it’s not a good thing. But, am I sure?
